Okay, let’s put it out there–we all have those friends who over-share on social media. No shit. It’s the curse of the information technology age, fine, whatever, we can deal…right? Uh, no! Not when we have a dumbass friend with a new baby incessantly posting pictures of said baby, along with smug status updates like “You’ve never experienced real love until you’ve held your own baby in your arms.” and, “I have the cutest baby…be jealous.”… Are you for fucking real!? Can it get any worse? Oh, yes, because the friend in question’s husband is also spamming up my Facebook feed with equally pre-pubescent status updates!
Now I know I should just block their feeds, but part of me is bizarrely fascinated to see exactly how often they post crap about their baby (which is usually about 6-10 times daily for both), and how friggin immature their comments can get. My favorite so far, I think, is “Everyone agrees our baby is adorable!” Like, no shit! What do you expect people to say!? “Duuuurrr your baby looks like a salamander?” (Which it totally does, incidentally.)
Today it was some whine about how she can’t pack a suitcase because the baby will not allow her to put him down; yet she has the time to post this on facebook. And about how her baby is hungry all the time…no shit. My point is, it’s great that you have a baby-congrats! But please realize that you are not the first people to have a baby! No one on Facebook wants to hear about your lactating nipples, Fisher Price rockers, breast pumps, daycare or your seeming inability to function now that you have a child. Leave us all alone, and go spend time with the baby that you’re working so hard to convince us you’re obsessed with and is the greatest thing ever.
When my sisters and brother (who were all responsible 30-somethings with good, steady jobs when they had their children) had their babies they didn’t have the time to shower much less post on Facebook! And they certainly didn’t use their children as an excuse to condescend to single people. It’s like, ‘Oh you don’t even know because you aren’t married and don’t have a baby.’ I may not be married, but I do have a demanding career. I could actually afford a baby if I wanted one, but I’m choosing to take my sweet time and I’m not letting you drag me down with you. It’s a blatant cry for attention-they’re in over their heads, they’ve realized that there’s nothing glamorous about having a baby and that the delusion of playing happy families is something that exists only in Disney movies. Welcome to real life!
Disclaimer: I don’t hate babies, I love babies, but this has to stop.